Recently, I spent some time visiting friends in Los Angeles and was totally blindsided by the culture shock I experienced. I’ve been to LA many times before, but as I get older and more socially astute, the social dynamics of LA were a spectacle to behold.
The Draw of the Mega Cities
It’s well known that LA has a strong presence of materialism, after all it is home to Hollywood and the entertainment industry. For some reason, humans are attracted to shiny things and boy is LA shiny.
I spent several years living in NYC and experienced the same feeling there. The feeling is of unlimited opportunity, of doors that you never knew existed which hold treasures beyond what your wildest dreams can conjure up. The appeal is so strong, so potent that people spend their whole lives thinking they are on the brink of a life changing breakthrough. Just get in any Uber in LA and listen to the driver’s story about how their band is one single away from touring the world or that they’re one casting call away from a golden globe.
Much as they did in New York, the bright lights initially drew me in, but by the end of the weekend I was totally wary of the glitz and glamour and felt the familiar pang of disappointment and disillusion that I felt when I left NYC.
The thing I’ve learned about shiny objects and bright lights are that subconsciously, since so many people pursue them, we believe we they hold the answers to life’s deepest questions.
You see, humans are always looking to other humans because we assume they have information we don’t have. We are similar to lemmings in that if someone is starting up at the sky intently, you want to know what they are looking at so you look up there too. This phenomenon is at play when people flock to the mega cities following cultural icons in hopes that following their path will answer all our deepest questions.
I’ll admit, it would be easier if the bright lights of these big cities had the answers to all the mystical questions in life. But after years of trying to crack the code I realize, I can’t shake the feeling that there’s no end to the game. You’re pursuing the carrot while running on a hedonistic treadmill.
Now before I get into some armchair sociology theories, I want to emphasize that the lens through which I view these cities is that of a single, young professional looking to partner up, but trying to better understand just what the hell that entails.
Sexual Selection and Social Hierarchy
So what exactly is the game I’m referring to? It is the game of climbing to the top of the cultural hierarchy. How do you win the game? From a male’s perspective, the goal is to get more money, power and status than everyone else.
Mega cities like LA and NYC are sort of like the professional leagues as far as social posturing goes. If you’re moving from a small town to a mega city, that’s sort of like going from your local YMCA rec league basketball team to the NBA.
I can’t escape the feeling that the biggest driver and feedback mechanism of social status is your appeal to potential sexual partners. Night life in particular is a place where people go to gauge where they stand socially and get their social status report card via potential romantic partners.
There’s a reason sex has and always will sell.
The fact that women are sexually selective and men are hardwired to pursue sex so strongly makes women social gatekeepers in a sense. If you are a man attempting to woo a woman, if she is willing to sleep with you or not is a feedback mechanism.
This also happens the opposite way though. Women get social feedback in gauging the quantity and quality of men who show interest in them.
This is fine and I understand it is something which is deeply biologically engrained into all humans. But it certainly isn’t a sustainable recipe for long term success or spiritual happiness and fulfillment. The vast majority of your life will be spent outside your sexual prime and it seems to me the best time to start building the skills you need for a happy and fulfilling life is now.
While this game is on display in every city throughout the world, but in LA it is incredibly pronounced.
Looking Cool vs Enjoying Yourself
A very unfortunate social dynamic I notice in NYC and LA is that people are more concerned with looking cool, then they are with enjoying their life. During my time in LA I made a fool of myself several times trying to get people to lighten up, laugh, smile and dance. I was generally not successful in these pursuits. But it was useful to know that either 1. LA and NYC attract people who aren’t fun or the more likely scenario 2. The cultural dogma’s which these hierarchies produce can act as a jailor, dictating what you can and can’t do.
The problem with “looking cool” is you have to act like you’ve been there and done that, meaning nothing is stimulating to you anymore because you’ve already experienced everything.
So in looking cool, you have to act like you’re above everything else.
But if your focus is having fun, that means you’re willing to risk looking ridiculous to laugh and enjoy yourself. Maybe that means dancing like an idiot or maybe that means trying to strike up a conversation with a stranger.
One of the biggest things I’ve noticed about people who are concerned with looking “cool”, is they are generally boring as hell.
So what is attractive?
Generally, whatever is difficult to attain is going to be seen as attractive. Hundreds of years ago plump, pale women were the standard of attractiveness. That’s because it meant they had enough food to eat and weren’t working manual labor jobs outside so it was a sign of wealth.
These’s days, it’s easy to be plump and pale with the prevalence of processed food and Netflix. Now tan and fit are attractive because it means that you’re able to eat healthy and workout (both of which can be purchased). If you’re tan it means that you are able to afford vacations.
Certain things haven’t changed like money, power and status are all still attractive. But those are all hard to attain and rare.
The psychology behind attractiveness seems very similar to the psychology behind why money has value.
Learning from those who’ve reached the top
I somewhat pay attention to celebrity news because I think you can learn a lot about life through people who have reached the top of the dominance hierarchies.
There is a common misconception that reaching the top of a hierarchy will bring us peace in our lives. But look at Robbin Williams, Anthony Bourdain or any of the other celebrities who have reached the top only to appear to be totally lost.
While there is merit in moving from where you are now to where you could be, it’s important to know two things:
- Positive emotions come from MOVING FORWARD in life, not being at “the top”
- Money, fame, power, respect, can all be taken from you in the blink of an eye. Some of these are useful but are not an end game. If you solely pursue these things, there’s a good chance you will increase your isolation and loneliness. On the flip side, pursuing things like honesty and vulnerability will bring you closer to others and improve your mental wellbeing.
Justin Bieber, who has absolutely crushed the dominance hierarchies in terms of fame, wealth and influence, recently turned to religion and seems to be in a period of discontentment.
I thought about J Biebs a lot while I was out partying in Hollywood. He can get into to clubs and exclusive parties that I could only dream of but yet he is still searching. If the people who’ve reached the top are still searching, one can infer they haven’t found “it”. That is a great a hint for those wise enough listen to not walk the same path. Material pursuits seem to lead to fleeting pleasure at the risk of furthering social isolation.
So what path should we pursue?
I think it’s best to look for people who have reached the top of their pursuit and are no longer looking elsewhere for answers. Look for the people to appear to have found what they’re looking for.
Ram Dass said the first 30 years of his life were spent pursuing power but after realizing it was an empty pursuit, he turned his attention to pursuing love and the ability to be present. He has been pursuing that ever since then.
At the end of the day, it seems the core of this problem is that when climbing a materially oriented social hierarchy, people are more concerned with professional networking rather than letting their guard down and really connecting with people. If you’re always focused on your career or status, there’s a good chance you’ll loose touch with yourself as a person. The further you loose touch with yourself, the less connection you’ll feel with others and the deeper your despair will become.
There is no doubt that the bright lights have an extraordinarily strong draw, especially to younger people and people who don’t know themselves well. We need role models to show there are other ways to make progress in the world and build more sustainable and fulfilling lifeskills. I really enjoy experiencing cities like LA and NYC, but I’m always happy to go back to a slower pace of life where people are more open and vulnerable.